Setting Deep Inner Intentions for 2017

I have been continuously amazed at the effectiveness of setting an intention, developing a vision board, using affirmations, sketching a vision, setting a goal etc for me and for my clients since setting out on my life coaching journey in … Continue reading

What to do when my kids are fighting?

Here’s 3 quick and effective strategies to use with sibling rivalry that I teach from Positive Discipline.

Fighting is an everyday occurrence in our house with 4 kids / teens! I’m amazed at how affected I am emotionally when my kids fight – it is often the time when I need to use all my mindfulness skills! And often when I am most stressed, tired or busy that it happens! (usually because my attention is elsewhere!).

These strategies have really helped me as a parent stay more mindful….and not get caught up in escalating the fight by coming in over the top of the kids! The strategies are not foolproof – but even if they only work 60% of the time they help to bring some more calm into our house which is great!

This video links in beautifully with my Dealing with BIG feelings video if you haven’t seen it yet? ….

 

The key thing I have learnt to do when my kids fight is to make sure everyone is safe and then negotiate with them what they will do to calm down (best agreed to before the fight happens!)….before we can even begin to talk about it!

What works at your house? What doesn’t work?

This is often a huge issue for the parents that come and see me for parent coaching or attend my workshops.

We discuss this issue a lot more in our online parenting class Resilient Families Thriving Kids – you can find out more and free trial some videos at www.mindfulparentingmindfulcoaching.com/onlineclasses or email me, Sara Phillips, Mum and Parent Coach on sara@mindfulparentingmindfulcoaching.com

#mindfulparenting #parenting #parentingtips #parents #parenthood #kids #mindfulness
#mumlife #mom #dad #mother #fatherhood #children #baby #coaching #coachinglife #siblings

How to find your inner calm & calm down your kids?

Being With Strong Emotion Pema Chodron's strategies

What do you do to stay calm or calm down?   I’d love to know what works for you…..

I had to use all the mindfulness skills available to me earlier this week to keep calm….and then when I erupted (oops!) – to recover quickly!  No-one can push our buttons like our kids can – and it is often when we are tired, stressed – or need to get to work on time….that we are pushed to our limits!   As Jane Nelson says in Positive Discipline we are aiming for a general direction NOT perfection…so no point beating ourselves up when we revert to old ways….and instead we need to keep practicing and keep noticing the times when we remember our new strategies…when we find a way to stay calm or calm down!

For me what worked this week was:

  • breathing,
  • focusing on my feet,
  • saying to myself this too will pass,
  • looking outside to the view…
  • then doing some LOUD breathing out…
  • then when I did erupt (unfortunately!) keeping it to ‘I’ statements –  limiting the  blame and shame….
  • and afterwards giving both kids huge hugs,
  • apologising for my reaction,
  • talking about what we can do the next morning to prevent the same scenario from happening again….
  • and for me to identify that I need more self-care / me-time so that I have more reserves for handling BIG issues as they come up!

I am passionate about the need for all parents to understand emotions – how they work? how our brains process them? how kids develop emotional intelligence? How we can use mindfulness to find our inner calm and to help our kids to calm down too?

Here is a video I made for our recent How To Talk So Kids Will Listen group on how to deal with Big Feelings.

I’m so excited to have a *NEW* short online course ‘Understanding Emotions’ – you can work through it at your own pace, when it is convenient for you – there are slides , videos & reflective questions to encourage deep learning!  I highly recommend it,  you can free trial some of the videos here  http://mindfulparentingmindfulcoachingonline.thinkific.com/courses/understandingemotions

I’d love your feedback!

Understanding emotions

 

Free Resource: If you would like FREE mindfulness prompts like the one above with strategies on how to deal with a STRONG feeling (yours or your kids) – please sign up at www.mindfulparentingmindfulcoaching.com or for recommended mindful parenting resources go to www.mindfulparentingmindfulcoaching.com/resources

 

#mindfulparenting #parenting #parentingtips #parents #parenthood #kids #mindfulness

#mumlife #mom #dad #mother #fatherhood #children #baby #coaching #coachinglife

3 Mindful Practices Online Course

rock cairn shutterstock

So excited the NEW Online 35 Minutes of Mindfulness Online Course is live…

it’s FREE and only 35 minutes long –
If you are keen to explore 3 different mindfulness practices – what would normally be in week 1 of our Mindfulness Practice class – here it is!

https://mindfulparentingmindfulcoachingonline.thinkific.com

I’d really welcome your feedback!!

Hope you are having a Mindful Moment!!

Cheers, Sara 🙂

 

Tuning in to our environment…

willy wagtail
Many indigenous cultures claim that it is important to listen to what the wildlife have to say to us… Since working in Central Australia – I’ve always felt an affinity with Willy Wagtails – yesterday as I was the sole person walking on the cold beach a Willy Wagtail came down to feed at the high tide waterline….I’d never seen one that close to the water before….and he wasn’t shy…he would flutter away just a few metres ahead of me and wait as if I was to follow him?
 
My mind was filled with work as I walked but seeing this Willy Wagtail made me pause – and then I remembered to ask ‘Do you have a message for me?” and I listened…and deep within my heart was the message: let go of work, pay attention to these beautiful surroundings and live a little, dance a little, just as this willy wagtail was keen for me to do!
 
It was a beautiful wake up call, and got me out of my headspace and into my heartspace – and I left the beach feeling really grateful to this cheeky bird for the interruption to my thoughts, for the bringing me back to the present moment, for the gratitude that welled up in my heart.
 
So I’m wondering, what is in your environment right now? What can you tune into? And what inner words of wisdom can you hear when you pause?
 
Cheers, Sara 🙂

Mindful Memories

bonnie baby 2
We are often told that mindfulness is about not dwelling on or ruminating in the past and about being present. Yet at times it is healthy to remember the past or plan for the future – as my mindfulness teacher would say ‘just do it mindfully!’

Today is my daughter’s 14th birthday and it has just been fantastic to revisit photos and memories, it helps to bring an enormous attitude of gratitude. Mindfully revisiting memories can also be very healing and it can help to develop perspective.

If you have a relationship that you are finding difficult or awkward it can be good to go back to remembering when you first met or when the relationship was strong. So often we can get really caught up in where that person/relationship is at right now….forgetting that within the other person is a vulnerable self just like we have a vulnerable self too. Revisiting positive memories can help us to relate to that person from a positive, caring mindset rather than the tight, irritated or defensive mindset we can find ourselves in.

In MindUP, a program in US and UK that is introducing mindfulness to kids in schools, they teach optimism and how to actively cultivate wellbeing.  One way they do that is to create a ‘Happy’ wall – where photos, and pictures of happy memories are hung, so that whenever you are not feeling so good you can remember that there have been many great times in your past.

In Steve Biddulphs book on relationships he talks about each memory in your relationships being a souvenier…a building block on which it was built. How lovely to go back and revisit some of those souveniers mindfully – being very aware of the emotions they bring up and even the lessons and the new perspective with which we can view that person / relationship.

Often when we change our mindset towards a relationship – the relationship changes – have you ever noticed that? Just switching my anxious thoughts of someone and what they may or may not say, to sending them loving kindness can help to change the interaction…

A beautiful meditation to free up our judgement of another is from Tara Brach:

https://www.tarabrach.com/heart-meditation-letting-go-of-judgment/

I love how she talks about seeing that our defensiveness comes from our own vulnerability and by bringing kindness to the vulnerable parts of yourself you can then be open and give kindness to another….

Enjoy revisiting some happy memories mindfully 🙂 Sara

Mindful Gratitude #2

Joy quote

‘Joy & Gratitude can be very vulnerable & intense experiences.  We are an anxious people and many of us have very little tolerance for vulnerability.  Our anxiety & fear can manifest as scarcity.  We think to ourselves:

  • I’m not going to allow myself to feel this joy because I know it won’t last
  • Acknowledging how grateful I am is an invitation for disaster’

Brene Brown The Gifts Of Imperfection, p77-85

Woah,  this really resonated with me when I read it this weekend!  Following on from my last post re: gratitude, I’ve been actively practicing gratitude for a few years now – yet I can totally relate to the fear and anxiety as Brene writes above.

Brene writes that as a Mum, the fear of something terrible happening to her children prevented her from fully embracing joy and gratitude.  Have you ever had that where you are feeling joy watching your kids and you feel so grateful and then you feel fear – ‘this is too good to be true, how would I cope if something happened to them’ and then you spiral away from joy and gratitude to fear and anxiety?  I certainly have!

Brene writes ‘Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up the fear of loss’.  

‘We’re afraid to lose what we love most and we hate that there are no guarantees’. 

‘We’re wrong.  There is one guarantee: If we’re not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves to know joy, we are missing out on the two things that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times’.

She goes on to share the idea that if we let go of the concept of ‘scarcity’ – e.g. not enough sleep, not good enough Mum, not enough money, not enough time and instead discover the mindset of sufficiency – – enough sleep, enough love, good enough Mum, good enough moment, enough time, we can see that ‘Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are’ (Marianne Williamson).

In Brene’s interviews with people who had experienced extreme trauma she reported ‘the memories that they held most sacred was the ordinary, everyday moments….their most precious memories were forged from a collection of ordinary moments and their hope for others is that they would stop long enough to be grateful for those moments and the joy they bring’.

It definitely gives you pause for thought….this moment right now is good, and the next moment, and the next!  If we broke our days down to moments – there are 1000’s of ordinary moments that are GREAT, and if we paused, possibly joyful and something to be grateful for! – yet we can often allow one not great incident to colour our day.

So be conscious today – when are you able to be thankful for an ordinary moment and let the joy bubble up and be grateful for it (e.g. holding your child’s hand, hugging them goodbye, sharing a laugh) – and when do you feel vulnerable and the fear kicks in?  Brene’s strategy in the vulnerable moments that I love and am now going to use is to say to yourself or out loud ‘I feel vulnerable and I’m grateful for….’

What are you feeling grateful for right now? What’s your favourite daily ordinary moment that you can pause a little longer in and relish a little more?

 

 

 

 

Mindful Listening

Mindful Listening Quote (2)
Take a minute to reflect on how it feels to be really listened to, and how it feels to be only partially or hardly listened to! Start noticing today when this happens….and then begin to notice when you really listen – and when you don’t… I thought I was a good listener until I did this exercise!
So how do we do Mindful Listening?…I believe we can use any strategy we have that can help us to come back into the present moment; I like to use these strategies from Russ Harris, ACT Mindfully (below).
 MINDFUL LISTENING instructions (2)
The trickiest bit with Mindful Listening though is to remember to gently come back to the present moment – how often do our minds stray to unrelated topics or planning or dreaming or if the discussion is emotional we can stray to forming our defence or analysing what is said instead of just listening… even with practice I can still go a whole day forgetting to mindfully listen!
I remember being shocked when I heard Billy Joel say in an interview that he might be playing to a crowd of 1000’s and they are singing along joyously and his mind will be thinking of the sandwich he’ll have off stage – so it’s normal for all of us for our brains to wander…it’s just that we know we get so much more out of life when we are back in the present moment…
So what will you use this week to help you to mindfully listen – at work, at home? Who do you find easy to listen to and why? Who do you find really hard to listen to and why? And when is the best time for you to listen and when is it hard?
Some strategies I have used is to massage my hands as I listen – it helps to keep part of my brain focussed in the present – perfect for work meetings or when feeling stressed or having an emotionally charged conversation!   Sometimes I need to let my kids / partner know ‘now isn’t a good time’ can I listen in 15 minutes, in 1 hour, tomorrow….
Ruby Max (Mindfulness for the Frazzled) focusses on an aspect of the person’s face very mindfully – I’m not sure if this could count as staring though?
In my Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course my mindfulness teacher ran an exercise where we had to listen for 4 minutes without saying a word to someone. This seemed intimidating for both the speaker and listener but we all found that some issues were completely resolved in that 4 minutes with someone’s complete attention yet no interruption, no questions! I have used this in highly charged conflict situations to say – you have your 4 minutes uninterrupted and then I’ll have my four minutes – and when you do that you are forced to hear out the other person’s point of view and really hear what they are trying to say rather than reacting in anger to their first sentence!
So give it a go.    What you have noticed about yourself as a listener and what will you aim to do this week…

Mindful Pause…

pause 2

I love the Mindful Pause because it is so easy to adapt to anything happening in our life right now, the good, the bad and the indifferent!  Some call it the STOP practice but I got the idea of the mindful pause from the Bringing Up Great Kids program, ACF, and I love the concept.

With a mindful pause, we hit the pause button on whatever we are doing, check in with our body ( I like to focus on my feet, wriggle my toes), let a long breath out (or 3-5 breaths), check in with our thoughts & feelings- ask what would be useful right now?, and then hit the play button…

It’s that simple and yet so hard to remember to do! Sometimes I wear my watch on the wrong hand or a piece of jewellery I’m not used to or I use a mindfulness bell on my phone…

What I love about all the brain research is that just one long breath out can help our amygdala; our fight, flight or freeze response, to calm down one notch, 3-5 breaths even more….so the mindful pause is perfect for when I am feeling a strong negative emotion building up…I use the pause before I react – it helps me to respond in a different way or I can use it afterwards to calm down quicker….

Recently though I learnt from Tara Brach how important it is to breathe in our good moments. We are programmed to focus on the negative for our survival and we tend to skim the positive…so a mindful pause is a great thing to do when you are experiencing a good moment; a hug, a sunset, the moon rising, a smile, a laugh, good news, a good conversation….really breathe it in and allow your brain to soak in those feel good hormones…

The more we know about the brain the more we realise that it is like a muscle (Ruby Max – Mindfulness for the Frazzled – great book!) – whatever you focus on that part of the brain builds more grey matter & more connections – so practicing the mindful pause daily helps it to become the habitual thing you do….when things are good & not so good!

I find it works best to attach this practice to something that will help me remember – traffic lights, roundabouts, walking under a particular doorway, making a cup of tea, looking in the mirror , washing your hands- which one will work for you?   I think I’ll do the cup of tea and washing my hands! 🙂

90 Second Breathing Space – for a longer mindful pause…
This is from a fantastic book called Mindfulness for Creativity – by Dr Danny Penman – if you have 90 seconds to do a recorded practice – at anytime during the day – it expands just a little on the mindful pause – but the same concept – focus on body – breath – thoughts & feelings… perfect for a quick pause right now from the screen!?!?

Reminder to breathe….

dolphin

I haven’t been able to write lately….I’ve been struggling with settling in to a new job and I had too many obligations and I haven’t been that mindful at times….sigh.   I did have an amazing experience on our local river though which I’d love to share with you – very relevant for this crazy time of year!    I was learning to row on a Saturday morning, and instead of it being an enjoyable experience I was trying too hard!   All my muscles were tense from work the week before and I was getting soo frustrated that my body wasn’t doing what my mind was telling it to do!  In one way it was a mindful exercise as there was no room for thinking of anything else – but I wasn’t being very gentle with myself and I certainly wasn’t aware of the environment around me!

Suddenly to my right I hear this ‘whoosh’ of air about 3 metres away from me and look over, just in time to see a mother dolphin and her baby rise to the surface to breathe.  It felt like a direct message for me – ‘BREATHE’  and I was able to loosen my shoulders, stop rowing, look up and watch these two dolphins cruise by on the beautiful river, breathing loudly and reverently.    It made me aware of how little I was breathing….that I’d stopped taking time out to look at the world with the wide angled lens….or to appreciate what was in front of me  It was time I stopped trying so hard in so many aspects of my life!   A timely reminder!

I’m hoping to spend more time on the water in this New Year break and Breathe!    To really recharge the batteries and reflect on what is important for me and my family and how we can make that happen in 2015!  I hope you have a chance to reflect & recharge too!